1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
