Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize