i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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