I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
