Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
