this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
