i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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