My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
