Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You pole danced in your parka.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
