I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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