I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
