You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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