i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
