Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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