Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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