happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
