Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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