Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
