Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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