someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
