two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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