I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
did i just pee glitter
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
