that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
