Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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