the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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