Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
