I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I need to wash the frat house off of me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
