i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
