I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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