So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
