Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
