If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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