I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
