Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
