You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
