My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize