Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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