you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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