my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
