Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
