Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
