I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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