i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
