Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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