apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
