mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
