I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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