So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
