The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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