she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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