Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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