conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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