the condom got lost in my hair
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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