Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to calm my uterus...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
