the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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