it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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