Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
