I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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