WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
