Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
