nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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