I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
