Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
