I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Rumble strips road head = magical
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
