Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
