getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
