I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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