I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
