3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
