I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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